We have just returned from a 1st time holiday in Fuerteventura. The word itself means Windy Island. Bit of a clue there already! We could be known as Dandy…the Rain Gods. Wind was expected but cold and rain were a surprise.
We should have known the odds were stacked when, after paying for extra legroom and a comfortable flight, Allan had to sit almost under a man who was the size of a small village. Allan fitted under his very meaty arm. They took it in turns to breathe.
Our balcony we had paid extra for ,with the sea view, was flooded. The ever present pigeons had resorted to wearing wellies and tapping the window for hot drinks. I was partly prepared. My mother was a born pessimist and would not let me leave the house without a vest and hat – ever! Smothered was the word. I was warned with the old Black Country threat:”Dow yow goo out theer me babby, it’s lookin’ black the Back of Bill’s Mothers….yow’ll ketch thee jeath.” Wise words. I wasn’t allowed to touch a plug until I got married (plug is not a euphumism, by the way). “What is this strange thing called Electricity?” I cried. “Tis a blessed miracle!”
I had taken my trusty pac a mac which is now, I presume for some obscure P.C. reasons called a Kag in a Bag. Expecting heat I had taken my tangas or kangas or whatever these works of the Devil are called. Too small, uncomfortable and cold. Not thongs but still a bit like sitting on a cheese wire How I longed for the warmth of my Bridget Jones Big White Knickers. Allan had taken his cut offs and a hoodie. Grow old gracefully? Not on your Nelly! Experience of what is laughingly termed the Welsh Summer are well within our remit….we are developing the webbed feet as a result. We could almost take it. Although when we got home my jeggings had to be surgically removed!
We stayed at the Corralejo Bay Barcelo Hotel which was excellent in every respect. Without fault. The food was fabulous so we resorted to comfort eating and peoople watching which are my two favourite sports. There was a Wellness Centre in the Hotel grounds along with a Gymnasium and Fitness Classes. Allan declared that it was luckily too far to walk so we watched it from a safe distance in case it got any closer.
The main street is a bit skanky with every second shop selling hand carved Wooden Willie Bottle Openers. Now we were brought up with the Golden Mile at Blackpool…we love cheesy but this was one giant WillieFest. I dreamed they were chasing me down the beach. The one sunny day we went to the Dunes where there is a lot of nude sunbathing……so more willies! They were a bit like buses….you don’t see one for ages and then they all come along together.
At any rate either the over exposure to so much of the male anatomy or the sun on the white sand was too much and triggered a 3 day migraine. Allan was chuffed when he was mistaken for a celebrity…Malcolm McLaren. He was not so chuffed when I explained he had been dead for 2 years. Holidays and bad weather can create strange behaviour. Allan was one more downpour away from a tattoo or African hair beading. As it was he bought a Bandanna which he thought would make him look really cool. In actuality it made him look like an oversize Bavarian girl, albeit an ugly one, or an escapee from the Sound of Music. I kept expecting him to break into the Hills are Alive. It didn’t have the desired effect as his nose and ears looked enormous and seemed to enter the room 5 minutes before the rest of him. It gave me tremendous fun and I laughed so much I had to change my underwear.
Back home now to a tax bill, caravan fees and a “bosted” phone and not even Keith Vaz at the Airport to welcome us back to Blighty. So much for La Vida Loco!
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