In which I may appear even grumpier than normal……!
This is the 3rd attempt to write something coherent. I have started and lost my notes relating to “Life…..but not as we know it, Jim”! ….since the end of August. Now I can’t remember the good things that have happened only the bad.
I know I had a wonderful summer in Wales and I was looking forward to my birthday in Riva Del Garda. Still hadn’t lost the extra pounds but they look marginally better brown so…what the hell! The Italians like their women big and as you will see from the photo below why they are. So many scrummy things!
Now – anyone with back problems knows that sinking feeling when the smallest twinge heralds what the professionals call “an episode” and I myself call “a bloody nightmare”. Long- story- short On the first day I had to go out and buy a walking stick and a back belt and by the last 3 nights I was sitting up all night on a plastic chair from the balcony wrapped in a very unbecoming blanket. I looked like an extra from Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb.
By this time I was getting spasms, Tramadol and meltdown. I’ve had better birthdays. It was like my body was saying “Okay you’re 66 this is just a taster of things to come. Did you Baby Boomers really think you could always be young? Yes!! That’s why we didn’t exercise.
The mosquitoes took full advantage of my less than vigilant state (8 miles high) and feasted on my pain racked body with spectacular results creating a pattern of 8 bites which, when I joined the dots with a pen, resembled a small dog. The spasms caught me and my fellow diners offguard. Each unexpected spasm causing me to let out a startled scream resulting in many knives and forks clattering onto plates. Got our own back on a lot of Germans during those mealtimes. Did I do a lot of grizzling and whimpering…you betcha!
On return I crawled along to the Doctors and he gave me more Tramadol. Al had called the Pain Relief Clinic from Italy so 4 lots of Intra Muscular Stimulation. This involves very long needles being drive a very long way into the muscle which then grabs them and won’t let go..while a electric current is passed through and I hang onto the side of the bed promising God I will change my ways.. After one of these treatment where I blubbed all the way home in pain I had to go straight to the Grand Theatre for a photoshoot for the tour. So if you see any posters that is the reason for the strange face I am wearing. Good to see Jasper at the Grand getting ready for his Stand up and Rock. Hadn’t seen him since Les Ward’s funeral.
Robin at TapeThat managed to get our new C.D. ready for us on return from Italy. As I write this today Nov. 14 we have almost sold out of the first batch and are awaiting a second batch. They have sold really well and we are very thrilled. Details at end of post.
October itself was obviously greatly overshadowed by the death of our friend, Jack Webb from Giggetty. We should all take the time to treasure our friends and loved ones but we all get so caught up in the daily nonsense. We have so little control our entrances and exits in this life yet still we fail to realise this until it is too late. Had a lovely night out with Anne and Jack a few days before it happened. So glad that we had chance to say a small goodbye.
We did a bit of a Nostalgia thing on a trip to Ikea. It is awful to think Wednesbury is now simply known as Ikea by so many young people. At least in the sixties everybody knew it was where Janice Nicholls…Thank Your Lucky Stars…”O’ill Give it Foive!” came from. Smashing girl. I was in the same class as Pat, her younger sister and went to the house a few times. We lived just up the road. Saw Janice in Dunelm a couple of days ago. She still looks good.
Wednesbury is always a bitter/sweet experience. All our family gone and so much changed Hard not to get sad. Allan went to Teddy Gray’s Suck Shap and got a bag of Jelly Babbies. He shed a tear at the demise of the old British Legion where his Football team Werder Bremen used to meet on a Sunday morning.
We did the tour of the Town Hall where we we went for School Choir Festivals and then later the Dances. Sorry to see that the the old Gaumont/Odeon is gone. That was where we went to our Saturday Morning Pictures and then later when we woz “Cootin!” We stood outside our old coffee bar which was called “Packies” back then but couldn’t be called that now. We sat all night hugging one bottle of coke and spending all our money on the juke box. It is now a Bike Shop. Across the road Coopers brilliant Record Shop is all boarded up. I bought my first 3 singles from there…Little White Bull by Tommy Steele….Strawberry Fair by Antony Newley (who I had a tremendous crush on)…and Smokestack Lightnin’ by Howlin Wolf. I had very varied tastes…looking at that list they bordered on the bizzare!
I went to the old Household Stores which didn’t look too different. An Asian family keep it now and look to be doing a good job. I worked there one summer in my teens. My Mum was so fed up of me sitting in Packies Coffee Bar all day she went and got me a job. I was not happy. The other girls in there hated me because I was at Grammar School. so if any body came in and wanted a dustbin or anything equally big or heavy they used to send me. For some reason everything in this category was kept on the 3rd floor up 3 lots of very twisty narrow steps. As I suffer from Discalcula…a fear of numbers….I spent a lot of time bent beneath the counter scribbling numbers on bits of paper and counting on my fingers. It was not a happy experience. This coupled with having to wear a very unattractive nylon overall and having to sell loose rolls of toilet paper was humiliating. If anyone came in who knew me, particularly boys, I used to run in the back my face aflame. We had to test the soundness of the china cups and saucer etc. by banging them together to check that they sounded clear and bell like. It took a while for me to get the hang of the amount of force to use. My paypacket was often light due to me banging too hard.
Italy seems like a long way off now. I have booked back in at the Pain Clinic for a new treatment called Magnetic Resonance which is similar to an MRI scan. One hour each day for 7 days. Al insists I try it. He’s fed up of hearing me moan. I am having to drink at least 2 litres of water a day in preparation so I am wearing out a path in the carpet en route to the toilet. Since I wrote this I have had to cancel all the sessions because of the prolonged flu problems.
The bad back and the now well chronicled and spectacular allergic results from the flu jab have run parallel. I am seriously convinced that the flu jab is a new government measure to see off us miserable old gits before we cost the N.H.S. any more money. Does anyone remember a very scary Sci -Fi film called Solent Green where the old people were given a Euthanasia trip and then processed and turned into food to feed the growing population……… Ooo…er!
They have really pushed this flu/swine flu/pneumonia jab. I have been really ill since I had it at the end of September and now I have passed this viral chemical cosh on to Allan…and as any woman knows Manflu is so much worse than the ordinary. Allan has bought every medication known to man and then some. Our house is echoing from a choral coughing and we are evil beyond measure. I think we would probably kill each other if we had the strength. We have taken to wearing a sign declaring ourselves “Viral”. Only good thing is it guarantees a seat in Costa well away from any children. Why do young, upwardly mobile fathers come in Costa trailing their offspring and calling them “Dude”. “What yu gettin’, Dude”? Obviously exposed to too many American Romcoms. I feel like saying…”You’re in Lichfield…get a grip!”
Had a great day out with Norma and Alan in Birmingham. We went in my one flu less week. We went to the new library and the newly refurbed Art Gallery tearooms. Lovely weather and we had a coffee outside the New Rep sitting in the sunshine. Fab. Nice meal at the Boathouse in Sutton Park with our friends Chris and Kev. Good to get together with friends Anita and Alan from Boggery days. Had to turn down so any lovely invitations because we didn’t want to pass on flu
We haven’t been able to get to the caravan to close it for the winter and it will be too cold now to actually stay in it so we have to book into a Travelodge for the night while we pack everything up to bring back for the winter.
There must have been some fun things in the past 2 and something months but I can’t recall them. Lots of enforced T.V. watching has addled my brain but as yet I have not succumbed to any of the Soaps, Strictly, X Factor or Celebrity anything. Nothing which has required me to watch orange people speaking in new and strange tongues or anything which required a frontal lobotomy.
Can’t wait to feel a bit better and be up and at ’em. Hoping to put a couple of tracks from the new C.D. on Youtube. with some funny footage but need some help to get the technical side done. For someone who still can’t operate the T.V. or the phone this is a big step.
READ ALL ABOUT IT…
DANDY FINALLY EMBRACE THE WORLD OF RECORDING! NOT SINCE YOUR GRANNIE CRANKED UP THE OLD WIND UP GRAMAPHONE HAS THERE BEEN SO MUCH EXCITEMENT.
THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO DRIVE AWAY VISITORS, BORE THE GRAND CHILDREN RIGID AND REALISE THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN TELEVISION AFTER ALL……
TAKE DANDY HOME WITH YOU TONIGHT. CLEAN. GOOD WITH ANIMALS AND HOUSE TRAINED!
FIFTY SHADES OF SAFT
THIS IS OUR NEW COMEDY C.D. AND IS SELLING SO WELL WE HAVE HAD TO RE-ORDER. WOW! YOU CAN FOOL ALL OF THE PEOPLE ALL OF THE TIME…….. THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS PRESENT AT £5.00. SONGS TO MEK’ YOW LOFF!
This C.D is our way of bowing to Public Demand….that is…3 people…one deaf, one daft and one who could possibly pass as normal under special circumstances…
En masse they have asked, nay, pleaded for the Dandy Comedy Songs to resurface. Digging them up from the Vaults we have tweaked and updated to come up with a new almost P.C. version of the parodies we performed in our youth. These were back in the days when good taste was not over rated…especially in the Black Country.
I offer sincere apologies to anyone who holds dear any of the original songs. There is no excuse for the havoc wreaked ad the total lack of respect shown to some of these once beautiful “Cries De Coeur”>
WE ‘OPE YOW LOIKE EM! WE ‘AD A LOFF RECORDIN ‘EM!!
1. BRENDA AND TRACEY. This was originally recorded many years ago with Giggetty. It escaped as a 45rpm and is apparently a collector’s item. Well, we certainly collected enough according to the boxful we still have in our wardrobe.
2. ACHING ALL OVER. The original Johnny Kidd and the Pirates was one of my favourite records. It is such a sexy sound. Now it’s Ralgex, Rugs and Sausage Rolls.
3. BILSTON MARKET. Sheer sacrilege! Sorry Scott Mackenzie. Some hard lads in the Black Country. Kaftans and flowers were never going to be a “Happening!”
4. THESE FOOLISH THINGS. Originally sung by Hutch in 1936. So he’s probably not around any more to be offended.
5. DOW YOU WANT MAR BABBY First time we did this on stage a relation of one of the Human League wa in the audience. I was mortified! She laughed like a drain and asked for a copy!
6. UNFAVOURITE THINGS. This list is updated almost daily as I get older and grumpier.
7. STRANGERS IN THE NIGHT. How things have changed in the Wenchin’ and Chappin’ stakes! In Wednesbury back i the day, young lads would try to attract one’s attention with a subtle yet provocative entreaty: “Hey, Shortarse, me mate fancies yow!” Now the soul less Sexting is all the rage!
8. CHEEK TO CHEEK. This was my favourite era. I adored Fred Astaire. He sang this in Top Hat.
9. 24 HOURS FROM TIPTON One of the first songs I ever parodied. I loved Gene Pitney and tried to imagine his Black Country version of his biggest hit.
10. STAND BEHIND YOUR MAN. This is for all the long suffering women who have made a lifetime’s work of apologising for “their man”! “Y’all know what I”m talkin’ bout!”
11. OI’VE GOT YOW, BABB! Legends. We all wanted to be Hippies, growing long hair and smoking dope. I worked at the Patent Shaft Steel Works back then and that sort of thing was in short supply…except for the Dope and I married him!
12. DELILAH. Hopefully Sir Tom won’t mind. He seems like one of the good guys.
Our first C.D. A LONG, LONG TIME is also on sale and is selling well. Featuring SONGS TO MEK YOW BLART
Classics old and new like: Dreamboats and Petticoats….A Long, Long, Time…..He Thinks He’ll Keep Her….The Dance…Walk Away Joe….Like I’ve Never Been Gone….A Bus To St. Cloud…Let Me Down Easy…Mr. Rock and Roll…To Make You Feel My Love… There Goes My First Love….When You Are Old….Smile
The songs we have chosen for this…our first venture….are not typical of our stage act. Although we do sing one or two of them on stage. They are the songs we love….but as we aspire to do comedy….they are seldom suitable. Death, disease and destruction are not always the best choice if you want a crowd to leave happy. So we limit ourselves. A Long, Long Time is how long we have been together…..the length of our ‘career’ and the time it has taken to actually get round to doing it. We hope you like it.
Both of these C.D.s are available at shows or we can post them to you. £5.00 EACH Plus postage and packing.
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