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Few Funnies

Thought I’d just put in a few jokes to cheer us up.  The weather gets no better and we are all walking round feeling so grumpy. My tolerance level is at an all time low at the minute.

I hate it when people invade my space.  I was in Costa this morning.  We had bagged the window seat so we were feeling pretty smug when a couple of suits came in…obviously wanting our  seats so trying to bully us to leave. Space invasion . The bigger of the two was almost sitting on my lap and leaning right into my space. This was 8.30 a.m and the place was practically empty. So they do the “talk loudly into their smart phones” to supposedly let us all know how important they are and to drown out any conversation we were trying to have. Pathetic! I could have punched him. There was a scruffy bugger in there the other day in a grubby tracksuit on his phone and I heard him say….”Sorry, old son, my Secretary’s just called through I’ve got a board meeting.” Loser!!

I was approached in Tescos by an Animal Rights Liberator while I was looking at the eggs.  She held up a picture of a battery farm barn and said “Who could want to live in there?” I said “Probably a fox!”

Listening to 2 blokes in a Pub the other day and one was staring glumly into his drink…he said”I married my wife for her long legs and big breasts…….now she’s got long breast and big legs!!”

A new  Nursery Rhyme: “There was 5 in the bed and the little one said …”These N.H.S. cuts are getting a bit much!”

Tony Blair has stated that extreme religion is the root cause of wars in the 21st century.  Since when has worshipping the U.S. Oil Dollar been classed as a religion.

News this week that Hugh Grant is on a mission to single handedly (perhaps not the right word)  repopulate the U.K.  Scary to imagine an army of little Hugh Grant clones all flicking back their floppy hair in a charming and nonchalant way.

Simon Cowel seems to have gone one better.  Looking at his picture today I would say from the size of his man breasts he is planning to take care of the breast feeding.

After going to see “Twelve Years a Slave” at my local cinema I now know how it feels to be exploited by ruthless mercenary overseers……….£4.20 for  Pepsi Max!!

Allan says he is building a Time Machine so that he can travel 50 years into the future it see if Wagon Wheels are the size of a 10p piece.

In the words of the great Stephen King….We are all going to Hell in a Handcart.



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